A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

And apparently, my heart is very dark and twisted.

I don't understand why the Adam of my dream-life is such a, well, bastard. I have vivid dreams fairly regularly, but all of the Adam dreams are particularly vivid and unhappy. He's always doing something to devastate me. Last year, months before I was pregnant, I dreamt that I was pregnant and going to the hospital because I was in labor. I kept calling and calling him, but he was nowhere to be found. I searched the whole hospital. Eventually, I concluded that he had abandoned me. And I just kept thinking to myself, "What am I going to do? I'm going to be a SINGLE MOMMMMMMM!!!"

Then, when he was in Colorado for job training and I really was pregnant, I dreamt that I went into labor and he couldn't come home. I was in the hospital, losing my mind, because I refused to have the baby without him there. I was ripping out my IV's and plotting my escape from the upper-story hospital room.

And there have been other, more minor dreams, like the one where he decided that we weren't going to have sex with each other for a few years, but that he was going to start sleeping with other people. He wasn't leaving me, per se, just openly sleeping around and expecting me to deal. Sweet.

But this latest one takes the cake for both weird and devastating. A few nights ago, I dreamt that it was our wedding weekend, and we were having the rehearsal. Adam was up on the altar with a priest and some other people I didn't really know. And I was already wearing my dress, for reasons I do not understand. So as I was coming down the aisle (alone?), I watched Adam on the altar, and he appeared to be freaking out. The priest would ask him to do something, and he would roll his eyes, turn his back, cross his arms, throw his arms in the air, bury his head in some lady's chest (??), or perform some other incredibly dramatic gesture to the effect of "UGGGHHH."

As I got closer, I got more and more angry with him for apparently resenting the whole wedding process. Finally, I started walking off in a huff and shouted, "If you want to marry me, you better come here QUICK." I ran into the dressing room and starting tearing off my dress. He followed me in, and I said, "What is the matter with you?! You're being so awkward and acting like you don't even want to do this!" He started mumbling some sort of defense or explanation, but I don't remember what. I continued to undress. And then, in the voice we usually reserve for joking, he said, "I'm gay."

I said, "It's not FUNNY right now." And he said, "No, seriously. I think I'm gay." I was like, "CHOPPER, come on, you know that's not true," and proceeded to tell him how I knew he wasn't gay (though I can't recall how that argument went... hmm). But I realized he was serious. And I lost my mind.

The rest of the dream was just my utter devastation at losing him, including what seemed like hours or days of hard-core crying. I have had some bad dreams before, but I have never been so relieved to wake up as I was when I found that he was there, sleeping beside me, being the most UN-GAY man of all time.

And I am fairly sure he's going to tell me I'm mean for writing this, but hopefully he realizes that the main message here is: THANKS FOR NOT BEING GAY AND FOR LOVING ME AND WANTING TO MARRY ME (most of the time)! I love you a million billion, and even in my crazy dreams the thought of losing you is pretty much the end of my life.

Yes, the big day has arrived. Well, no, not THAT big day, but a moderately big day that relates to the Very Big Day: We are going dress shopping.

*Cringe*
^ That is my reaction every time this thought crosses my mind. NOT because I am dreading the wedding or anything of that nature, but because I still just don't feel like my body is ready. But it's time-- past time. And actually, this will be Round Two for me and Luci. On a whim a few weeks ago, we stopped by the Bridal Outlet that I drive by every single day on my way home. I originally stepped in just to quickly look around and get a general sense of the selection, but I was all too easily persuaded to try on a few dresses.

And they were AWFUL. I was AWFUL in them. Anything that fit my boobs did not fit my body (and therefore made my body look huge), and vice versa. I would blame lactation, but I had this problem long before the milkies ever came in.

I was disheartened after that shopping attempt, although I knew I had made some fundamental mistakes (going alone, starting at the outlet, bringing my crabby baby...). But I'm still a little freaked out that I'm not going to be able to find anything to fit my "curvaceous body"...

...And here I must interrupt myself to recap a conversation I had with Robin a few weeks ago:

Maja: "We need to go dress shopping soon."
Robin: "I know. I haven't even lost any weight; it's kind of depwessing."
Maja: "You don't need to lose any weight. You look fine."
Robin: "I know. Actually, I kind of love my curvaceous body."

Hahaha :) If only I had that attitude... Although I did get a pretty sweet compliment on my ride up the elevator this morning. Stephanie, the Activities Director for the Club, said, "Do you know... you are just one of the most beautiful creatures I have ever seen. You always look so beautiful, and I just think, 'Wow.' Did you know that? You should." I suspect someone hired her to do this sneak-attack compliment to boost my self-confidence on dress-shopping day, but whatever. It was really nice. Also, it in no way changes my conviction that she is sometimes a complete dumbass when it comes to running Club events.

Anyway... This time, we are going to real bridal shops, and I have an entourage-- Mom, Robin, Connie (my brother Charles's girlfriend, also my bridesmaid :)), Caitlin (friend since middle school), and of course Luci. I will let you know how it goes. Only, I won't let you know TOO much, because I don't want Adam to know anything. Because even though he probably doesn't have any interest whatsoever, I want it to be a surprise. :) I keep thinking that this is going to make it so REAL for me... Seeing myself in a wedding dress (*uh, specifically one which does not make me look like a whale and/ or popover) will just make all those visions reality... I'm getting MARRIED in only a few months. That just blows my mind! I'm so excited, though. I love my Mr. LeBon, even if he doesn't know how to work a Crock Pot.

In other news, LUCI IS FOUR MONTHS OLD. We just had her 4-month checkup yesterday, and I swear she couldn't have been happier to be at the doctor's office. She was in a great mood, looking at herself in the mirror, doing her smile-and-spaz-out-I'm-so-happy-to-see-you routine every time she looked at me, the nurse OR the doctor, and trying desperately to eat the leakproof pad they had underneath her. And then there were the shots... Sigh. I hate seeing her cry like that. She wails so hard that she gets those crying-hiccups, and looks at me like I'm the meanest mom in the world. :( But she did really well, and I gave her a couple of rounds of Tylenol throughout the afternoon (and walked like EIGHT MILES, not even kidding. Going for a ride in the stroller usually keeps her happy. So we did at least 4 miles on the Centennial Trail, spent some time at the mall, made about 40 loops around Target, went to my favorite second-hand store, and did a lot of pacing at home)... and she was fussy, but never had a meltdown like last time she got vaccinations. So yay.

The stats:Weight: 12 lbs, 14 oz (Uh, remember how my guess for her 2-month weight was 12 lbs 5 oz?)
Length: 25.25 inches (that's 6 inches since birth! A whole half a foot!)
Head circumference: 40 cm

Her hair is coming in a little more now, and her skin looks so much better since we got some nursing help. No signs of teeth yet, thank GOD, because although she's latching better, she still has horrible pacifier habits with my poor nippies, and I still haven't figured out how to resolve that. (My mom insists that it's "unnatural" not to let a baby have a paci, and although that doesn't make sense to me, it doesn't change the fact that we can't really make it through the day without using one :-/) She also just figured out how to blow raspberries ON MY BOOB, so that's been a treat. I was nursing her in public yesterday, and people were hearing her as she messed around and going, "Oh! Is she farting?" Oh, my delicate little flower. :)

Well, I guess that's enough for one installment of the I'm At Work in the Office and Bored Out of My Skull edition. Only 3 more hours until the big shopping trip begins...