A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes...

And apparently, my heart is very dark and twisted.

I don't understand why the Adam of my dream-life is such a, well, bastard. I have vivid dreams fairly regularly, but all of the Adam dreams are particularly vivid and unhappy. He's always doing something to devastate me. Last year, months before I was pregnant, I dreamt that I was pregnant and going to the hospital because I was in labor. I kept calling and calling him, but he was nowhere to be found. I searched the whole hospital. Eventually, I concluded that he had abandoned me. And I just kept thinking to myself, "What am I going to do? I'm going to be a SINGLE MOMMMMMMM!!!"

Then, when he was in Colorado for job training and I really was pregnant, I dreamt that I went into labor and he couldn't come home. I was in the hospital, losing my mind, because I refused to have the baby without him there. I was ripping out my IV's and plotting my escape from the upper-story hospital room.

And there have been other, more minor dreams, like the one where he decided that we weren't going to have sex with each other for a few years, but that he was going to start sleeping with other people. He wasn't leaving me, per se, just openly sleeping around and expecting me to deal. Sweet.

But this latest one takes the cake for both weird and devastating. A few nights ago, I dreamt that it was our wedding weekend, and we were having the rehearsal. Adam was up on the altar with a priest and some other people I didn't really know. And I was already wearing my dress, for reasons I do not understand. So as I was coming down the aisle (alone?), I watched Adam on the altar, and he appeared to be freaking out. The priest would ask him to do something, and he would roll his eyes, turn his back, cross his arms, throw his arms in the air, bury his head in some lady's chest (??), or perform some other incredibly dramatic gesture to the effect of "UGGGHHH."

As I got closer, I got more and more angry with him for apparently resenting the whole wedding process. Finally, I started walking off in a huff and shouted, "If you want to marry me, you better come here QUICK." I ran into the dressing room and starting tearing off my dress. He followed me in, and I said, "What is the matter with you?! You're being so awkward and acting like you don't even want to do this!" He started mumbling some sort of defense or explanation, but I don't remember what. I continued to undress. And then, in the voice we usually reserve for joking, he said, "I'm gay."

I said, "It's not FUNNY right now." And he said, "No, seriously. I think I'm gay." I was like, "CHOPPER, come on, you know that's not true," and proceeded to tell him how I knew he wasn't gay (though I can't recall how that argument went... hmm). But I realized he was serious. And I lost my mind.

The rest of the dream was just my utter devastation at losing him, including what seemed like hours or days of hard-core crying. I have had some bad dreams before, but I have never been so relieved to wake up as I was when I found that he was there, sleeping beside me, being the most UN-GAY man of all time.

And I am fairly sure he's going to tell me I'm mean for writing this, but hopefully he realizes that the main message here is: THANKS FOR NOT BEING GAY AND FOR LOVING ME AND WANTING TO MARRY ME (most of the time)! I love you a million billion, and even in my crazy dreams the thought of losing you is pretty much the end of my life.